10/21/23

I am sure it is true that trauma never leaves your body completely… It becomes part of your nervous systemʻs response to any perceived threat.  I learned what PTSD is after my house fire. In October 2011, on the eve of my 60th birthday, my house went up in flames while I was asleep in my bed. The inferno was so close to me it is a miracle that I survived. The only reason I did was because of an individual hero - an off-duty firefighter who miraculously happened to live nearby and was awake enough at that hour in the middle of the night to notice something was happening outside of his 3rd floor apartment across the street and three houses away.

He chose to run toward the flames. Who does this? Only certain people, through mark or training, feel so compelled. Linwood is exceptional. I learned later, meeting him as a human, that he is also ordinary, with all the regular stuff we all struggle with, in relationships, family, wishes, desires and aspirations - and also flaws — all of the ordinary mess of being a human on this desecrated earth. A hero he remains, but an ordinary human one.

This is always a hard night for me - the night before my actual birthday. My personality is such that I donʻt dwell in self-absorption and am quite other- and world- directed. So, of course, this sneaky little trauma creeps up on me. I made a conscious decision on Friday that, despite my poverty, weight loss, health concerns, etc. I, like the full-ass Libra that I am, would shove all other economic concerns and obligations into next week and have a relatively nice 3-day weekend.

But the body - and the mind - knows. So I remain alert to danger here in Hawaii at 10:00 pm Hawaiian time to make sure that that “back-door evil” wonʻt sneak up on me tonight - something unexpected, something I canʻt control or plan for — and possibly take me out.

No, evil death, youʻre not getting me tonight. But Iʻll have to stay alert - at least till 2:00 p.m. - when the fire was supposed to have been in full deadly flame. Iʻll post this tomorrow or later - when I expect to still be alive.